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The Role Of Parents
The role of parents when it comes to the problems associated with youth violence and bullying is simple. A C C O U N T A B I L I T Y ! As a parent there is some level of responsibility that comes with the position. You have to be responsible and aware of the
behaviors that are being taught in the home from the day your child is brought home from the hospital. You brought this child into society and you should be ensuring that you do everything in your powers to ensure they are happy and healthy to the point of which is under your control. Fostering a child with violent tendencies and bullying attitudes could be a sign of your own attitudes. For parents that want to argue that the
behavior was taught to them in their own upbringing must realize that this may be true but that in understanding this, they as a parent are failing. Knowing why the
behavior is there in a parent is not an excuse to continue such. Be responsible and change the
behavior in yourself and show your change in attitude towards acceptance. Your child (ren) will then learn that it is wrong and that it is ok to be wrong as long as you take steps to correct this
behavior and attitude. To make mistakes is human. To refuse to correct them is lazy. Your child should be taught early to be accountable for all actions. This means positive
behavior should be praised and rewarded. Negative behavior ignored or consequences imposed. Consequences should be understood and should be quick and simple. Once dealt with and consequence completed, it should be left there. Dwell on the positive and your child will respond. It can take years to build a child’s self esteem and only moments to break it down. If you allow your child at the age of 13 to be out with friends wondering the streets until 1:00 in the morning, you should not be surprised when they come home in a police car. It is common sense. They may say, “well, Billy’s parents are letting him’ but your role as a parent is to be your own child’s parent and set boundaries. Children need boundaries. If Billy’s parents let him smoke crack at the age of 12 you should be dealing with family services to report this not buy your child a pipe. Common sense goes a long way. You can have a strong relationship with your children as a parent. If you were meant to be your child’s best friend you would be the same age. Your child will have plenty of opportunity to make friends at school and elsewhere.
Create an environment of open communication. It is never to late to open communications with your child. It is best if started from the early years but change is possible and important. If you find that your approach is not working, try another approach but do not throw your hands up and say, “ I have tried everything” because that is a cop out. It really means that you are not willing to keep trying. Your job as a parent never ends. If your child sees someone on the street with a physical challenge and wants to stop to offer assistance, this is a reflection of your values and teachings. If your child makes fun of them and does not understand that they are just as much a person as you and I then this also reflects upon yourself. I remember as a child going to Capitol Hill Elementary in Burnaby, British Columbia and having a group of people with various challenges also attending school there. I was able to learn from them as they learned from me. I used to get very uncomfortable with people who did not see them as people because when I spoke with them, I got to know them as people and respect them for the perseverance and determination they showed. They had more courage and dedication than any of those who teased and taunted them. Then I realized that they were not so much acting that way because they wanted to hurt anyone, they were just not taught to value all life as equal and to respect all people as they are. Now I sit back and appreciate the values and morals of my parents, especially my mother for instilling these in me.
If your child goes to school and bullies other children or strikes another child, do not get all self righteous and seek to blame the other child or the teacher. You are responsible for that
behavior and you are responsible to help your child understand it is not acceptable. It does not make you a bad parent and it does not make your child a bad kid. It means that you have to seek solutions and change the attitude. This may mean finding new ways of conflict resolution to teach your child. You must be accountable for your child and your child must ultimately be accountable for their actions. To make excuses and blame others is only teaching your child that it is ok to act out if you can blame someone else. If your teen goes out and steals a car they should be made to be accountable for that action. This may include spending a few days with the victim to understand how hard they work to buy that car and maintain it. It will show them how they effected that person’s life through their actions. They should not be able to go out the next night to steal another car. Teach them accountability. This is something that in today’s society is getting lost and contributing to the demise of our society. Everyone has “issues” and excuses. The word “issues” to me is simply defined as “ a persons lack of care and interest in dealing with a problem and GETTING OVER IT.”
The following is a clear example of a lack of accountability by parents and a teen. The accused I this case and his parents should have been held to a higher accountability early in the stages of this conflict and thus the almost fatal results would not have taken place. Further, since when should a victim be forced to change their entire life and geographical location to ensure safety? It should be the accused and his family made to relocate and be accountable for the actions that almost cost an innocent teen his life. Further. This is also a clear and precise example of a community not being held accountable. A judge, school administrators, law enforcement etc. make the youth accountable instead of teaching him that his actions are acceptable by ignoring the safety and needs of the victim. Society needs to stop fostering to the one perpetrating such violence. They know that what they are doing is wrong. If the parents were held accountable for the actions of the son, they would be more receptive to dealing with the teen no matter what lengths they had to go to. Instead in our society where “issues” are an excuse to act in any way one wishes and blame someone else, there is no incentive to work harder at finding solutions.
In March 2002, my own 17-year-old son was stabbed by a 15 year old who, with his older brother, had been bullying him for over two years. There had been several assaults on my son and subsequent arrests of these individuals over that period but never any significant consequences. After the doctors said my son was lucky to have survived the attack, we called Global TV who covered the issue for a full week. I got many calls from families in North and West Vancouver suffering the same terrorism over long periods by gangs of teens. These are adult crimes being committed by physically mature individuals capable of making life hell for our families and children. In our case, we have been pursuing this issue with police, Crown Counsel's office, MP, MLA, Corrections, etc., and will not relax until we feel something is being done that shows some positive effect. My son's attacker got 5 months in open custody. That's after being released on his own recognizance after being charged with aggravated assault with good reasons presented by Crown why he should have been kept in custody and despite the fact that he was already under conditions on a weapons charge in Vancouver court. That's also despite the YOA, which states that a responsible adult must sign an undertaking guaranteeing the bail conditions until trial. Immediately, someone broke into my son's car and left a blood soaked white rag on the driver's seat. Next night they vandalized our yard. We've had threats of a gang coming to school to kill my son and a bomb threat each week at school until the end of last term (students evacuated). Police were not even interested in taking the blood soaked rag but we insisted they take it as evidence, and eventually they destroyed it after we insisted on lab analysis and offered to pay all the associated costs. At trial, the probation officer insisted to us that the accused would not get any time in custody, so the sentence surprised us. The brother who was originally convicted two years ago of possession of a weapon after attacking my son with a large kitchen knife in front of the entire high school got one-year probation with an 11 pm curfew. When he violated that and was arrested for breach of probation after further targeting my son, the judge simply released him without consequence.
Now we're anticipating the next attack when this guy is released in February. My son who is an
honors student and athlete went on to a local college. But he doesn't know if there will be life after February 2002. Before the latest attack, Crown agreed that we might have to move out of the area to resolve this problem. The police released press information that it was a gang related situation and that there were aggressors on both sides, all misinformation to no understandable purpose whatsoever. We're hard working people and our children do well at school and stay out of trouble.
Conclusion: Canada is not a safe place to raise a family. I wish I'd known that when I came here 30 years ago. The entire justice system needs a serious housecleaning.
Nobody is held accountable except for the victim and his family. Why should the victim be held accountable for the actions of his attacker?
As a parent, there are some things that no matter how hard you work with your children and no matter what your teaching have been, they will go astray. This is when you have to still be there for them and be supportive of the positive. Be clear as to the facts though. Just because you are supportive does not mean that you condone the
behavior. Do not allow your love and natural instinct to protect your child get in the way of your child being held accountable for their own actions. They must learn!
Listen and act if your child is voicing concerns. The concerns of your child may not seem so large to you but that does not mean that they should be less important. If your child is telling you of a problem, you should listen and act. An example of this could be bullying. If your child is complaining of a bully in school, telling them to “just ignore the bully” may not be an option. The bullying is having an effect on your child. It can
instill fear in your child and lower their self-esteem. The bullying may perpetuate itself into acts of violence. Even if it stays as bullying, it will affect your child. Your child needs a safe and conducive environment to foster learning. If your child is worried about a bully or the next action of that bully, it is affecting the ability of your child to effectively learn and concentrate. If you contact a teacher or school administrator and they fail to act to your satisfaction, go higher. Go to your local school board. If they fail to act go to your provincial or state representative. Get a lawyer or advocate to contact the school in writing and put all people involved that fail to act on notice that they are now going to be held personally and jointly accountable for your child’s safety and well being. If they fail to do so, take action. There are people who can help you to get action if you alone are not getting results. One organization in Canada and the United States that has gone against school officials and districts is End Youth Violence. They are online at www.youthandviolence.com or can be called
604.592-6830 and all services are free. HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE! They have a responsibility to provide a safe and conducive environment for your child to learn. Make sure that they do so. Do not accept no for an answer or that they have no power to act.
This section from the book - Youth Violence - An International Crisis By James Miller
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